From the broad perspective I would like to have more awareness of my connection to ‘spirit’ so that I am able to change habits of thought and behavior so as to serve my life and my purpose more fully. I have felt a longing for most of my life and sought out churches and faiths that I thought may meet that longing. Now I know that the longing was so intertwined with my own faulty thinking about myself that I was connecting to God through a pretty thick filter. With the work I have done through RoHun and other things, I feel I can make a more clear and honest connection. There are certain times and places where I really feel it, like in the Temple or just being at Delphi, or doing a RoHun session. I want to be able to feel it all the time, like at my job or during stressful situations. I feel it is like a circle, the clearer I am within myself, the more I will feel the connection and the more I feel the connection, the clearer I am within myself.
Day 1 2/27/06 5:44 am
In the meadow, I feel the bark of the tree and the stone of the bench and sit. I go into the stars as a stardancer, dancing to the music of the universe. Feeling it, and the feeling is full and warm and complete. I can see the entire universe all around me and we are dancing together.
Then I am shown a movie. There is a guy in a wheelchair (he had a ‘whole’ presence) talking with his friends a moment about: your life doesn’t just depend on you, there are outside ‘forces’ affecting the course of your life as well. i.e. the agreements you made concerning your goals for this life BEFORE you ever entered into it. Therefore, relax you are not in complete control.
I get back to the tree, see it, feel it, smell it… I am one with the sea of universal energy… I realize this tree and this meadow have been with me for a long time. The meadow first, then the tree appeared when I meditated while listening to a very special pianist perform and the Fellowship of the Inner Light. I realized this tree was my friend, it was in my head. My “invisible friend” is a tree
I am one with the sea of universal energy… I feel the flow of energy, like being in the ocean and warm. Just feeling and floating…
Then my little heater stopped working and the room is chilly so I snuggle in my wrap and stay put and don’t let it distract me.
I am one with the sea of universal energy… I feel/touch the oneness and begin to float…
Now it is time to get ready for work
Day 1 Evaluation
Unfortunately I didn’t relax completely. I was very aware of ‘having’ to remember everything to write it down. I was aware of feeling this was because I wanted to be a good performer/student with Patricia.
I also realized that 30 minutes doesn’t last as long as I thought it would. I plan on starting earlier tomorrow so as not to be concerned about having enough time for both meditating and writing.
This is the first day and I had a rough time staying focused on the ‘one thought’. I don’t know if the interruptions are insights or just my mind wandering. I have never really been able to follow a steady discipline before. This is one of the reasons I am doing this study. I know I need to be able to be disciplined (a disciple?) within myself in order to get what I long for. So I will be gentle with myself since this is the first time outside of
2/27/06 3:33 pm
I am one with the universal energy
I am one with the universe
I am one…
I want to be able to feel good
about myself, always…
I know this is possible for me
as it is for you as well…
connected as we are
to the grand universal oneness and all…
Together we transcend
our choices and reactions
to arrive at a loving space
which is ours to share
and explore…
It all starts with an affirmation:
I am one with the universal energy…
I am one with the universe
I am one…
Day 2 2/28/06 5:24 am
This is like writing down a dream, get it down because it fades so quickly. At first I had difficulty settling down. Many thoughts intruded nearly distracting me and physical discomfort that no amount of repositioning could help. I WILL do this!
Then I felt something shift and I saw/felt myself floating in a warm sea – one with the sea of universal energy. I was alternately seeing myself from below and being ‘in’ myself. As thoughts intruded I saw them float away on the current. They were all going away and I was beginning to enjoy the sea when I began to feel fear, large fear, of what was in the ‘water’. Jelly fish, sharks, monsters who would hurt me. This was making my being in the sea an uncomfortable and fearful experience, so I needed protection. Suddenly I am incased in this plastic/Light bubble. Nothing could get me from underneath and the UV rays couldn’t get me from above. I was safe… But, I was completely separate from and out of touch with my surroundings: the Sun and the Sea. I breathed, repeating “I am one with the sea of universal energy… ”, until I again was feeling safe in the sea, without the bubble.
Then the picture shifted and I was in an office (generic) and walking around in the world. We are all immersed in the sea of universal energy up to our necks! 98% of the people were this way. Although this felt good, I knew it wasn’t enough. Some were below the surface at all time, i.e. children under a certain age and some spiritual teachers. I, and some others, could go under for periods of time, but we had to come up for ‘air’ occasionally and couldn’t stay ‘down’ there. I just wandered around, looking for one who was always down there, so I could get some help and learn how to do that myself. Problem is, you can’t see them, so you can’t tell who is immersed in the sea of universal energy all the time. You can only see who isn’t! This makes your frame of reference a little skewed because these are the ones ego compares Self with, to measure progress and worthiness. But it is only measuring what is above the sea because it (ego) can’t see below the surface to know who is under there and what parts are under there and what it is like to be part of that anyway?
Day 2 Evaluation
I was more able to concentrate this time and allow the flow. I consciously let go of the ‘reporter’ in my head, trusting it more to do its job and allowing myself to relax into the meditation.
Whenever I have tried to meditate in the past, one of two things happened, either I got stuck in ‘monkey mind’ or I got information and had to write. Mostly my morning meditation practice before this has been sitting at my altar, trying to focus on my breathing and/or writing in my journal The result is that I felt I wasn’t ‘connecting’ and was unable to ‘do it right’ and am easily distracted from it (meditation). I like going after information, though, it is like being awake and having a dream.
A couple of times during the day I found myself revisiting the feeling of floating on that sea of universal energy, with the sun shining above and the unknown far below.
Day 3 3/1/06 5:30 am
I was able to see the Light of Life (in lines, looks a little like the etheric template) going in and around and through all things mentioned in the meditation guidance. I realized that the ‘Heathens” had a lot of it right when they recognized the Life and God(s) in all things, even rocks. We have all just forgotten/lost our contact with all of it. We followed a Thought to the other end of the pendulum swing of Science. Now we are beginning to get back to center.
I again felt myself floating on the warm sea. I saw myself from below, from the darkness and there was a flash (very little) of the fear. But then I was with myself floating and feeling and I realized this is great but I can’t see anything but the sea, how can I do anything? Then the sea began to shrink under me, I thought, until it was only a pool and I could see the world around me. Then the sea disappeared. But then I realized it didn’t disappear, it was in me, it was the water in me. Then I could feel/see the water/energy in all things.
I kept repeating the phrase whenever my mind wandered. I could tell physically when I got back to the flow because the room is chilly and I would feel a distinct lessening of chilliness when I got into the energy.
I asked “what is my purpose in this life?”. I saw myself going down a line, or around the inside a circle, of people and my right hand was lit up. I saw myself touch each one’s brow then heart and impart some of the light to them in these places. This felt very symbolic, not literal, although with RoHun I will be doing that literally, I suppose. It felt like my purpose is to impart the light by having the light within me.
Day 3 Evaluation
I was more relaxed and able to let go and follow where the energy led me. I still had straying thoughts and had to get back to it a few times.
Even though I have had these wonderful meditations and feelings, I still feel as if there is something disconnected between here in this room and out there in the world.
Each day, I noticed the feeling of accomplishment and the thoughts that come up trying to distract me from being one with my choice to have a daily discipline. It seems like the ego is stepping up the A.D.D. belief and trying to get in the way of my gaining the ability to be devoted to my dharma.
Day 4 3/2/06 5:45 am
I am floating on the sea of energy, looking up at the sky and feeling the warmth and gentleness of the sea. Then my “friends” on the beach are wanting to be with me but they say “How about we just pull you over here where we can see the bottom and we are safe? We can’t see the bottom out there and it’s dark down there.” Then instead of seeing myself floating from below, I am receding above and seeing how tiny I am on the surface with the darkness looming large beneath me (all the while seeing a little body floating peacefully on a beautiful turquoise sea just out from the point where the land falls away and the sea gets very deep and dark).
Then I am rising even higher and seeing how “I” disappear from this perspective and I can see the whole planet at once. Then I move even farther out and see the galaxy, and farther, to the end of it all. The thought occurs that the universe is expanding outward and that means everything in the universe is expanding as well. I am brought back through all the expanding things to myself, expanding.
My purpose – to love and heal myself first.
Day 4 Evaluation
I had a little difficulty this morning because the Tai Chi Kung graduation was last night and ran very late and I am very tired. I did stick to my discipline, which surprised me a little. However, I want my consistency to be because I want to do it, not because I or others would be disappointed in me if I don’t.
Day 5 3/2/06 6:20 am
I watch all as I float through the universe. I see the patterns the stars and planets make. Then I see the perfection of the earth and feel appreciation. Then there is a jarring sensation as some folks are actively hating nature and I send them light because they actually look like dark spots on the earth.
Butterfly as analogy for my life. I watch the caterpillar eat and eat (I learn and learn) and then cocoon to transform into the butterfly (I don’t see what this is for me yet, maybe it is now). The butterfly slowly strengthens itself to get out of the cocoon and go into the world helping to bring beauty (its wings, my spirit) and spread pollen (me, the light) in the world.
So the butterfly has to transform itself before it can continue or even start on its true purpose.
Now I am merging with the sea of universal energy and feeling the flow in and through and around all things. Feeling myself at one with the flow, seeing and feeling how ‘we’ affect the world around us. Now flowing around two people to bring them together or between them to push them apart… always filling and lifting each one completely and equally. Watching what they do with the energy they receive. Some use it to grow and will share it. Some turn it inward and hide it, thereby creating diseases of the body mind and spirit.
Day 5 Evaluation
My purpose is to grow and strengthen myself first, then I will instinctively know what to do in the world.
My concentration… much the same as before only less distracting. I found myself looking forward to the daily practice and getting more comfortable with the process.
Summary of insights
I have difficulty summarizing it all, but here goes:
I got a clear sense of where and when ego was interfering: fear of unknown and distraction from purpose, physical discomfort, confusion.- My sense of the universal energy/spirit as a warm sea with shallows and depths flowing through and around all. The depths are unknown to me just now (and ego fears them) but the awareness of being in the sea and how it supports me is good. I am not on the beach, I have ventured out into the water!
- Seeing and feeling the ‘big picture’ and how we are all one and how we affect one another. How I can and do affect others by ‘being’ myself and being strong in myself.
- Very clearly, I am ‘in process’ and as long as I understand that there is no pushing required (trusting the process), loving myself during it, and allowing it to unfold, all will come to me as I am ready.
- I am very visual and sensual, sometimes I am auditory too, with these kinds of practices and I get really clear pictures and sensations/feelings. This makes me wish I was a better artist, because the things I see in my head are beautiful and worth sharing. I have been able to share some of what I see with words as poems in the past (painting with words).
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