I am important because I am a good person and I have learned a lot about life
I am important because I have a chosen family and we love each other
I am important because I am intelligent an creative
I am important because I am growing and learning
I am important because I am strong and independent
I am important because I make people (and myself) feel loved
I am important because I am a good RoHun Therapist
I am important because I am an example of healing accomplished
I am important because I know I hold the light and share it with people
I am important because I am God manifesting in my world
Day 1 – 3/6/06
I felt my body go light… I am at the lake. I saw myself at the edge of the water shouting out over the water the phrase, “What a man desires is already within him, but he still wanders here and there in search of it.” and several times I felt no one was listening. Then I was sitting again and the blessed mother came up out of the water and walked to me and sat down in front of me. I can feel her gentle loving nature. We are sitting lotus fashion, facing each other. I can see her eyes. I tell her no one is listening to me and she tells me: “Yes, they are, but on a different level. Just keep saying it and feeling it and they will hear what they are able to hear. You don’t really need them to seem like they are listening to you, just trust they are hearing it”.
Then I was taken on a journey and shown many scenes. Most were too quick for me to be able to describe. At one point I ‘knew’ or saw something then I remembered it was part of the reading material, but at first it seemed like a revelation. I was a pilot in a plane above the clouds, having awareness of the miracle of what I was doing and feeling the vastness of it all.
The first things to do to feel more love: daily invite love to come into me as my driving force and from that place, clear all the ways in which I am not loving myself, because that is what blocks me from feeling love.
My concentration was pretty good – I stayed with the thought whenever I wandered, but then came that point where I felt I was ‘journeying’ and wasn’t really present in my body. This has been a difficulty many times for me. When I connect with “That” I go and can’t remember where I went. I hope to change this through this study.
Day 2 - 3/7/06
By the lake… someone (I think it is my higher self, I recognize the socks) walks over the water toward me and then we are sitting lotus facing each other. She puts a blindfold on my eyes and I am stumbling around blindfolded.
I am now wandering around unable to see and ask “I can’t see, what do I do now?” I get that I must ‘see’ with my inner senses so I take a deep breath and try. I can ‘see’ the luminous bodies of all things and begin to learn to navigate in my world by this method. Each luminous body that I ‘see’ and touch has information for me. What kind of info and how I am to use it is unclear at this point.
There are some scenes that pass too quickly to describe… Then I am inside a freezer watching ice being made by an automatic ice maker. I ask why am I seeing this? I get told it is all about changing form. The ice is still water only in a form that can be used differently to serve. This form of water can impart the energy into a drink, thereby changing the state of the drink by its mere presence. I am to change my form from loose and unfocused to a more solid concentration of my energy so I can change things around me by my mere presence.
The first things to do to feel more love: release the negative aspects of the cynical self and all the judgment ‘filters’ it throws in my way. Especially the ones about myself.
My concentration was good. I did wander a couple times to what is going on for me right now, some difficult situations, but I repeated the phrase and got back into it ok.
(this is the day I hurt my back)
Day 3 - 3/8/06 first attempt
I got to the lake and went into mediation but I couldn’t hold on to it because of intense lower back pain which started yesterday. I saw my teacher come out of the lake and sit in front of me, but the pain kept distracting me and I could not stay with it for very long at a time.
Asking about the first things to do to feel more love: I “knew” I had to learn to be in a meditative state no matter what else was going on. I was able to visualize the healing energy filling me then my family and the world. But, I was still being influenced by my pain and got frustrated, so I don’t feel very satisfied with my meditation ability today. I will try again at a later time.
Day 3 - 3/8/06 second attempt
I went to the lake and sat. It is a beautiful day. I repeated the thought then found myself wandering away over and over again, having to bring myself back to the thought. Flashes of scenes, but too fast to catch, disorienting…
With the healing meditation I felt it fill me and then expand to my family and loved ones then I felt myself begin to wander off… several times I had to bring myself back to myself and try again. I think I went traveling because of scenes that flew by and because when I ended the meditation I saw an hour had passed and I didn’t even realize it.
I am hitting a lot of resistance with this lesson… I am not sure why. I have noticed that this lesson is much more difficult to maintain that lesson 1. I am really quite capable of sending healing energy to anyone and the world. I am quite surprised by my inability to stay focused on the meditation today. Hmmmm, I seem to keep forgetting that I am having back pain and drugs in my system to deal with…
Day 3 - 3/8/06 (finally)
I got into my heart center and sending healing easily enough. Then I was at the lake, my feet were in the cool water, I could feel it flowing and moving over my feet. As I focused on the thought, I saw a man wandering around. He had a sort of eye shield or blinders on his head, wandering around looking for something. Every time he came to a person or a mirror, the blinders would close up so that he could not see what was being reflected back to him, thereby defeating the purpose of his searching/wandering. So he never did find out that what he sought was in him all the time. He is actually walking on the water of the lake and doesn’t know it.
The first things to do to feel more love: I am sitting by the lake as I ask and the birds flying overhead form the words in the sky “GIVE UP RESENTMENT”. I hear the wind sighing “Love yourself, of course, and care for yourself completely on a physical level”. Then as I was contemplating these words, I had the thought “Give up Guilt”.
Then I just sat for a while contemplating these words, looking around the lake, seeing the water sparkle with sunlight. I hear the birds and feel the breeze. I am sitting, feeling the sunshine on my arms and face and the cool water on my feet. I hear the water tinkle as I pull my feet out and feel the chill of the breeze and the warmth of the sun on my wet feet.
My concentration was pretty good. I noticed that instead of distracting me, the chilliness of my feet and the noise of the birds outside became part of my meditation. However, the pain brought me out of it sooner than I wished. I notice I am having more difficulty or resistance with this lesson than the first one. Whether it is because of the lesson or my current physical condition/back pain, I can’t say. Or is it that I created the back problem to try to get out of this lesson? I wonder…
Day 4 - 3/9/06
A beautiful mountain lake with a pier. I am sitting on the pier with my feet in the water, feeling… the thought repeated many times and I get a sense of how my depression stems from this internal struggle. I set myself up by colluding with the Trickster in me. The ability to look inward and meditate hits a wall and it feels almost physical, this resistance, that keeps me from being my true self. The thought changes to “What I desire is already within me, but I still wander here and there in search of it” I can see how it is all me and my ‘confusion’ that keeps me in resistance – even when what I am resisting is good for me.
This almost feels like a mental exercise or I am trying to make it a mental exercise. By being in confusion, I can avoid going inward; avoid taking responsibility for my life. There is always some “it” ‘out there’ to reach for as I am floating in time, to blame for my unhappiness, but I either cannot get to “it” out there, or if I do, “it” doesn’t help with my problem/confusion.
I ask “…first things…to feel love…?” and I hear “look into the mirror and genuinely smile at yourself more”. I see myself doing this. Also to “unhook” others and their dramas from my heart and throwing them (the hooks) back to the senders.
The golden light flows easily through me – and out to all whom I love, actually to everyone equally – but then as I am sending this light out, I seem to ‘travel’ on it and loose connection with my body. I have to bring myself back and finish the exercise.
I went back and read over the lesson again. I am having some difficulty with Trickster energy and will do some RoHun on that. I am feeling strongly the urge to ‘run away’ and that gives me difficulty with remembering things.
I had no medication today making connection easier, but the pain overwhelmed me after 30 minutes.
Day 5 - 3/10/06
My heart center is warm from sending the energy out. I am by the lake, sitting. A very large male light being comes to me over the water… I can’t see his head, it is in a cloud of light. I hear his voice… it sounds like so many breezes and birdsongs, and he talks to me.
“There is a space within you Dear One, where you hide. That keeps you safe, hiding, but doesn’t help you to grow.” He reaches out and takes my hand and lifts me up to go journeying. He takes me to this young woman I mistrust and must work with at my job. He shows me her inner turmoil, feeling insecure and unworthy, but blaming it all on others. I am shown that she is so out of touch with her inner self that she cannot make any real changes because she imposes her chosen ‘persona’ over her true self, no matter the consequences to herself or others, especially others. He showed me how holding onto my pain/fear/hurt and general upset over her treatment of me keeps me hooked into that level, unable to let go and be happy within myself no matter what she is doing.
He takes me back to the lake and I sit watching the minutes/hours/days/weeks/months and seasons come and go as I sit still in lotus. I am just watching the world in fast forward and feeling the stillness. I see the sun rise on my right and set on my left, I feel the rain, wind, sun, snow as well as leaves blowing over me. I watch critters investigate this living statue in their midst.
Now, I rise up above the lake, the world, and see the whole picture. I know it will all happen no matter what I do or feel about it. That I really have little control over anything but my responses and actions at any give moment.
To feel more love, I must detach from the drama around me, or at least detach any sense of my self from the drama around me.
I see and feel the stars and planets and can touch the oneness out here where there is less commotion. I breathe healing and white light into my physical body… then I remember the light exercise and begin it. I felt a sense of physical lightness, like floating when I felt the planet enfolded in the healing light.
My ability to concentrate was much better today. I had a nerve block on my lower spine yesterday and have relief of the pain. I know that as I learn better how to be in meditation completely, I will be able to do it regardless of what is going on. I am just not there yet, I guess.
Summary
My ability to concentrate this week was severely challenged by the medication and continued pain in my back. I really did not want to get any further behind that I already am, so I pushed myself. I uncovered all sorts of resistance, from going into depression and pulling away from the world; to focusing on my pain and believing I couldn’t get past it. I sometimes felt like I was standing on the sidelines watching this ‘dance’ play out in front of me, powerless to interfere, only able to watch. The trickster was in his element this week.
I don’t really feel as though I made much progress beyond last lesson, but I realize I may be a little hard on myself. I think that journaling and reading over my meditations is quite interesting, not only for the content, but for what it is bringing up for me. I am touching on the edges of something vague that feels like… if I let go of my stuff/resistances, I won’t know who I am… or it is too hard to be so different in the world I have to live in… or other similar vague unsubstantiated thoughts… hello Trickster.
Fortunately I am on short term disability from work so I can focus on my healing meditations and therapies for the next two weeks.
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