The next day, I noticed that I was more able to stand by my decision to do it. I was also able to sit in the meditation room. (the seating was inappropriate for my back pain, which feels better at this point) The energy and environment in this room is much more conducive to meditation than the living room.
On the 3rd day, my mind kept jumping, a little more than the last time, but I was able to breathe it back pretty easily.
I noticed that when I couldn’t seem to get started, there were other things to do and I would get involved in… well, for example, my web site really looks great!! (www.PerspectivesHolistic.com ) They were all things that needed to be done. My bills are all up to date, etc. etc. I was just letting myself get drawn away from doing the meditation. What is so hard about sitting and being quiet? I think part of it has something to do with the “must write” factor of it that I am somehow using to deter myself. This goes hand in hand with the test taking/paper writing anxiety I feel. The thought of having to write it down is just… having that writing evaluated it just… apparently very frightening to me. So, I am just doing it. I turned off the phones and I am just doing it. Because, as you said, ‘no pressure’, so I realize this is all just my ‘drag’ and ‘weight’, so I relax and focus on my devotion.
I am amazed at the struggle I am experiencing this week with the idea of meditating. Once I start doing it it’s wonderful and I enjoy it and I get a lot out of it. It is the beginning it, the doing it… I am just stunned by the strength of my resistance.
Mostly I feel like I just suddenly get decisive about it and make it happen. So I guess that is my spiritual thrust. Inside myself I want to get past, through, over, around, under or whatever, these things that hold me back from wholly embracing my devotion! I am moving from thinking “I have to…” to “I love to…”, and that is making all the difference. That is also spiritual thrust, I suppose, changing my perspective.
Day 1 – 3/13/06
The door is Indigo blue. The Mother is here with me now, looking a lot like a hippie from the 70’s. We sit and commune. Mother tells me, of course she will help me, she is always with me.
When I ask what I must know, she tells me “you must understand why you are afraid. More appropriately, understand what makes you afraid. What are you afraid of? And you must actively choose Strength over Fear, choose Faith over Doubt, and choose Action over Procrastination. You must choose to have a clear mind, affirm your clear mind. Fear only clouds and deludes your thinking and practice.”
I say “I feel like I am floundering here, like I am missing the punch line, not getting the point of the joke. I feel like I am running, running, running, running, but not getting anywhere. I read all these beautiful words and I don’t feel that they ‘stick’ to me. I feel like I am slippery, like glass or Teflon, and all these beautiful words just slide right off the surface and nothing ‘sticks’.” Mother just smiles and takes me in her arms and holds me. She’s holding me and she’s rocking me… She says “You don’t have to worry about anything. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do, just be. Be in the moment. And I feel very loved. The pain that had tightened around my heart peels away.
We stand up; she takes my hand and leads me up some stairs, stone stairs, to a beautiful circular pool filled with clear water. I realize I am naked as she asks me to step into the water. The water is warm and soothing and it feels soooo good on my skin. I feel like layers and layers and layers of dirt are washing off. I feel like I am becoming clean again. She combs my hair and I am just floating in this amazing water. It feels so good, so warm and soft. I look up at the sky and see the tree branches overhead. Of course, this is an outside pool, just big enough for me. I see the clouds in the sky and I watch them drift by. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful, perfect day. I just rest in the water. After resting for a while in the water, I begin to feel waves of gratitude washing over me. I thank God and the Universe for all the opportunities I have been presented, all the second chances I have been given. I remember an affirmation I was given recently for my healing: “I thank God and I thank the Universe that every day I am given a choice between a grievance and a miracle and I choose the miracle.”
As I lie in the water, Mother is combing my hair, stroking my head and talking to me. It is more like she is talking to me with feelings and impressions and pictures than with her words sometimes. She tells me not to be so hard on myself, that every little step I make in the right direction is a miracle in itself. She wants me to see that I have made many big steps in the right direction. She wants me to see that, to feel it, to know it. She tells me she is always at my side. No matter what is going on around me, she is always with me. She says I have to be ok with being human because I am human, I am here to be human. I need to accept and love myself in my humanness. Being human means having issues sometimes. Being human means being hungry. Being human means having some bad habits. Being human means being human. I need to divest myself of the idea that I am not allowed to be human, that it isn’t a good thing to be human. There is a level of disgust and loathing that underlies my ideas and thoughts about being human and these thoughts cause me suffering and pain. These thoughts keep me at a distance from other human beings. I can’t love them and forgive them their ignorance, because of these thoughts of myself. She tells me to be patient, now that I know these thoughts are there, I can find them and heal them.
She lifts me out of the water and wraps a beautiful towel around me. She stands and holds my shoulders and looks deeply into my eyes. She tells me how special I am and how much she loves me. She touches my face and kisses my forehead and tells me everything is going to be ok. She leads me over to a soft couch which looks a lot like a little bed of grass. Here she lays me down and touches my cheek and tells me to rest, just close my eyes and rest. Then she sits and holds my hand for a long time.
Day 2 - 3/14/06
The door is a beautiful dark red. I enter and the room is lit up with rainbow lights. She comes to me and she is dressed in light yellow wrap-around robes with a white underdress and a light yellow headcloth. She sits down and takes my hands and I feel such a rush of love! I am trying to see her eyes and tell her ‘I want to see your eyes. She tells me to look in the mirror and I will see her eyes. I feel another rush of love through my heart center as she says this. I ask her if she will help me. She says, “Of course I will, I am always by your side. Open your heart, you will feel me there.” I tell her I need to have her example to know how to act because sometimes it feels very difficult to be in the world. I want to be more loving, more in right action, right thought and those ideas. She says “I am always there, the only time you can’t feel me is when you turn inward with your dance of anger and fear and close the door of your heart.”
The first thing I must know today… I am shown a tableau of my work environment. At home and with my friends, I am not challenged to express my true nature, it comes easily there. But in my work environment and out in the world among the ignorant is when it is a challenge to express my true nature.
She shows me this tableau and I see each person clearly. Above each one’s head is a little cloud of words. This little cloud of words follows them around wherever they go. These are faulty thoughts, limiting thoughts and beliefs, controlling thoughts and beliefs of these people. They, in their ignorance, hold the clouds to themselves and carry them everywhere. For some of them, the little cloud has gotten so full and heavy it hangs on their backs like a sack. They trudge along under its weight.
I see myself as a light bulb in that place and I am putting light into those clouds. And the light pushes some of the words out and they go floating off into the universe… Sometimes these people will grab them at the first opportunity and put them back into their sacks/clouds, but sometimes they won’t. Sometimes the sack gets lighter and lighter.
I felt a lot of emotion watching this scene. During the process of me being a light there, I suffer with having to put my true self out onto a platter and sometimes people will cut it up. I don’t know yet how to not suffer this sad painful experience. Mother tells me to get stronger in myself, choose to believe in myself. I am to choose to believe in what I find in myself not what ignorant people might project to me. Whether they project good and beautiful onto me or hard and negative, it is still not mine.
No matter what, I must go within with love, understanding and patience for my self in my humanity and myself on my path. She shows me how to do this by having me feel when I do it for others and then bring that feeling home so I know how it feels to do it for myself. She communicated this with so much love that I was filled with it and tears streamed down my face. (Sometimes when I feel ‘full’ my eyes overflow)
She leads me through these scenes by the hand showing me times when people project their own anger out and how not to accept it, how to be a strong, loving presence. I am not quite understanding her or maybe not quite able to hear what she is saying on this point about being a strong presence in my own life. I am so thirsty for this, so hungry for this, what she is telling me. I feel like full understanding is just at the edge of my fingertip’s reach. I can see the light of it, I can sense its presence, but I need to take one more tiny little step to be able to grab it and hold it. Because this experience was so emotional for me, I was a little choked up and the tears were flowing. I noticed during this time that I had interlaced my fingers tightly and my body was tense, so I consciously relaxed.
She brought me back to my heart center. She sat down and placed my head in her lap and caressed my brow. With each caress she eased my mind. She placed her hand on my heart and offered me healing. She says “Little one, it is time to let go all the hurt. It is time to let go all the fear. ” I see myself as a little girl and I am curled up on her lap and she is holding me and rocking me and crooning to me. I felt her loving me and my tears flowed until finally I felt some ease. I stayed with her like this for a long while.
As I thanked her I felt such a rush of gratitude flood through me. I had my hands in prayer position saying ‘namaste’ and thanking her. She placed her hands on my hands, brought them to her lips and kissed my fingertips then smiled at me. She said “you are welcome”, kisses my forehead and leaves.
I was really able to concentrate and follow through with what she was showing me, especially when I was in her arms receiving healing and love. I was able to stay with that, be in that moment for a long time.
Day 3 - 3/15/06
The door is a lovely deep dark green. There were lots of rainbow lights in the room all around me. When the Mother came to me she had a ‘light’ aura, like a light was shining behind her. Her hair was long and curly and she looked kinda average, like a human being. We sat and she held my hands as I asked if she would be with me and help me on my journey. She said “Of course! And as many times as you ask, that many times I will say Of course!” As I sat there focusing on the exchange of energy between us, my mind jumped to the future, not being here now. I got back to it as soon as this happened, more easily than before, and continued to focus on the exchange. Just feeling it flow through and around me.
What is the first thing…? She takes my hands and stands up with me and we rise above everything. I look down on the earth. We are close enough to see details, but far enough away to not be involved in the details. She tells me this is how I have to live my life. To be aware of what is going on around me, for the most part, but be far enough away (detached) from it that I am not involved in it when it doesn’t serve me or others to be so. Detached enough so that I don’t have the little heart glitches or clenches that happen sometimes for me when I get pulled into believing I am a part of the drama.
I ask her how do I get this detachment? If I remind myself repeatedly of ‘I am not attached/it doesn’t matter/it is not mine’ am I staying detached or am I denying my feelings? Sometimes it feels hard to know. She tells me to have my feelings, they are my feelings. Have my feelings, acknowledge them, then give them to her and she will take them. If I try not to have the feelings at all, then that is denying, and if I get caught up in the feelings and drama, that is not detachment. Having and acknowledging the feelings, knowing they are there and owning them is important for growth and understanding. Turning the feelings over to her is releasing attachment to them and their drama, developing detachment.
She has me practice this with her now by recalling my feelings around an incident earlier in the week. I recalled the feelings and held them in my heart, naming them. I was standing in front of the Mother and she held a little drawstring bag. As I sent the feelings out of my heart to her, she stuffed them in this bag. I kept sending and sending and she kept stuffing, until I had no more to send. She then tied the full bag tightly and knotted it securely. The bag began to float and she let it go. With light in our hands, we sent the bag full of my hurt feelings out into the universe to be transformed. She then placed her hand on my heart and filled the space where the hurt was with her love. I felt all of this very intensely in my body as it happened. I stayed for a long time just receiving. My mind popped off to future a couple times, but I brought it back with my breathing easily enough.
Anything else…? You are loved! You are truly loved, loved in a way not involving co-dependence. Know that love and trust that love. That’s the kind of love that is quiet, doesn’t make a fanfare, it just is. It has no agenda but to exist. That is the love that is there for you to receive. Know that you are loved, you are special, you are God. At this point we sang my ‘Affirmation Song’ together and that was very cool!
Day 4 - 3/16/06
I expected this to be very interesting, since I have never had a conscious relationship with Buddha before. Although I have had a very close and special relationship with the Blessed Mother, and even Jesus, I have not worked with anyone else in this way. So, this will be new territory for me.
Looking into Buddha’s eyes, they felt very wise, and I felt a sensation as if the warmth of his eyes went through my eyes and straight down into my heart. I could feel it touching my heart. As I looked into his eyes, I was reminded of Samyama, as if to give me a frame of reference for feeling the love and sweetness of the Buddha. Samyama is able to project that loving and sweetness and I have felt it.
There is a little fun moment here. I can see his aura as spots and streamers of colored light that are dynamic, moving. They reach out like tentacles and encompass me, surrounding me in his light so that we end up being surrounded in a multicolored cocoon together, for a moment. I feel safe and calm and relaxed. A feeling of peacefulness settles over me as the visual aspects of the light dissipate and I can again see the surroundings.
I see a beam of light connecting us heart to heart, pulsing with my heartbeat. I just sit for a while, watching that beam of light pulsing between us. Interestingly enough, this feels almost qualitatively different from the Mother. With the Mother, I felt the softness as if I was little and being hugged to warm soft bosoms and belly. With Buddha it is more… not intellectual, maybe masculine? Still a quality of enormous love, but more… love in action than love in stillness. Although I am not really sure what that means in this second. This sensation feels very clear like crystal, as if all clarity is here. Although I can feel it, I can’t see it yet.
He reaches out and puts his hands on my head as I bow in front of him. I ask about the most important thing…? He’s laughing and he has been kind of laughing the whole time here, and it feels good, no way offensive. He chuckles and says I need to practice more self-discipline. I give in to self-indulgence far too often. I must practice strict self-discipline until it becomes habit not effort. I must deal with how my ‘self’ rebels against this practice and only then will I be able to clear out those blocks of resistance. Taking control of my life, my discipline, being strong and a little on the stringent side, say by having a strict diet for a while will push me forward. With these practices I will sincerely throw myself in the way of meeting those things in me that need to be cleared. (can’t clear what you don’t see/feel/know) Because… these are the things that are blocking me from my own enlightenment.
I can feel the clamor in me begin at these statements of strict discipline and diet and no self-indulgence. I am just noticing that I feel this clamor and recognize it. It is and OLD acquaintance, this clamor. Buddha says that that complaint that I feel beginning inside, way down deep, that feels like it is coming from the spleen/lower 3 chakras, is only the clamor/noise. It is not serving me at all but holding me back. I must get in touch with that feeling, own it, acknowledge and describe the thoughts underneath that feeling and this will free me. Also, I must write it all down and use RoHun.
Anything else…? I need to know my own strength.
As I sit and just commune with him, I feel as if my heart chakra is being stretched from the inside out. It is a physical sensation of pressure, cold, stretching… very odd. I have a sense of his hands in there, pulling and stretching and gently massaging. My heart center is being filled with energy and the more it stretches, the more it is filled with energy and healing.
Now I see myself wandering through my meadow. I am walking among the wildflowers, picking them. I am just enjoying the beauty of the day and the flowers and the moment. I stay here a while, feeling gratitude.
Day 5 - 3/17/06
I see my meadow with the tree and the stone bench under it. I feel the textures of the tree, grass and bench with my hands and the coolness of the grass on my feet. Buddha is here waiting for me. I feel his love and goodness as I approach and as I kneel in front of him, he touches the side of my face and looks into my eyes with so much compassion, caring and understanding that my heart overflows as do my eyes. I ask for his help and he says “We have always been with you, just waiting for the moment when you were ready for our guidance in this conscious way.”
I just basked awhile in this. Then he chuckles and says in a very deep voice; “You are very beautiful, little one. Your light is very bright and clear”. I feel as if something inside me is being peeled away through the portal of the open lotus, which is my heart center. My heart center feels very warm and vibrating and intense! I look at him and his 3rd eye is alight. He sends it out to mine and I feel his light penetrate causing my vibration to shift and begin the movement toward alignment with the vibration of the Avatars. This is another step along my path to enlightenment.
What must I know…? I must own my divinity; own my differentness from the unaware ones and with compassion walk among them, whole within myself. They may or may not accept my wholeness. Some may feel supported and encouraged by it and some may feel threatened by it and try to attack it. No matter what anyone else does, as long as I stay strong in my wholeness, I am safe and protected. As he is telling me this I get a taste of the feeling of knowing my wholeness WITHOUT better than/less than feelings interfering. It is very moving to feel this. I breathe it in deeply and let it fill my entire being saying “Yes! I accept!”
What else should I know… he tells me I will know whatever I need to know, whenever I need to now it, and to trust this completely. I am to listen closely to my own words that I give to others. Those words will help me understand where I have been, where I am now, and where I am going.
I was very moved by this meditation.
Summary
I looked at each of the Eight Fold Path and I see that Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration are the first that I think I need the most work on. Then next is Right Effort, but now that I think more on it, this one should be first
They are very clear and verbose with their answers. They both seem to be telling me almost the same things. I received a lot of healing in the meditations this week. I am very please with my progress and my concentration as well as the information I received.
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